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What Men Say ......
& What They Really Mean
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"OOH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was looking at that redhead over there ."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday, our kids' birthdays, and our anniversary date."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
WHAT WOMEN SAY
AND WHAT THEY MEAN
Yes
(No)
No
(No)
Maybe
(No)
You want
(You want)
We need
(I want)
It's your decision.
(The correct decision should be obvious by now.)
Do what you want.
(You'll pay for this later.)
I'm sorry.
(You'll be sorry.)
We need to talk.
(I need to complain.)
Sure . . . go ahead.
(I don't want you to.)
I'm not upset.
(Of course I'm upset)
You're...so manly.
(You need a shave and your sweat)
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
(I am woman!)
This kitchen is so inconvenient.
(I want a new house)
I want new curtains.
(and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper . . .)
I heard a noise.
(I noticed you were almost asleep.)
Do you love me?
(I'm going to ask for something expensive.)
How much do you love me?
(I bought something today you're really not going to like . . .)
Is my behind fat?
(Tell me I'm beautiful.)
You have to learn to communicate.
(Just agree with me.)
Do you like this recipe?
(It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.)
I'm not yelling!
(Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.)
I don't want to talk about it.
(Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.)
WHAT PEOPLE SAY
AND WHAT THEY MEAN
I need time to think things over.
(I don't want to be around when you realize I am clueless.)
I'm the one who's to blame.
(I did it but I am admitting at my convenience.)
All I want is for you to be happy.
(Give me a break. I just want you to stop complaining)
I miss you.
(you cook better, clean better, fix things better)
I'm fine . . . really.
(but if I die, it'll be your fault)
There'll never be anyone else like you.
(I should have thought before I opened my mouth.)
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
~H.L. Mencken
While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes wore a fake beard.
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