Sweeping and Mopping the Floors
Have the dog sweep the floors, with his tail, and lick up all the crumbs. (For stubborn spots that require scrubbing, recruit a cat. You may have to add tuna water to the spot). If you don't have a dog or cat, well, you are in trouble. Go, find one roaming the neighborhood, quick!
Vacuuming
Call for a demo from a vacuum cleaner salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works, in all parts of the house; insisting the carpet looks the same ... but really is different, in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company. Keep a chart and rotate between companies.
Dusting
Only do what is at eye level or below and only right before someone is coming over! Run a rag over everything, quickly. (Don't waste your time using the Pledge or Endust. It might harm the computer and that risk is unacceptable!) For the illusion of using those products, spray a few squirts into the air;
just like using air freshener.
Laundry
First, find a good place to hide it! If you actually have to do it, like when you have no underwear ... (heck, who needs underwear?). Okay, now ... let's say its time to fold those rotten clothes. Run the dryer, again and again, and again. Let the machine do the work. That's what we bought it for, right?
Cleaning the Toilet
Hey, simple, just close the lid.
Clean the Shower
Close the shower door or curtain.
Cleaning the Rest of the Bathroom
Again, just close the door. For the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath, pour some Lysol in the trash can. That illusion will work until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which ...
Taking out the Trash
If you can't find anyone in your house to take it out, bribe a neighbor. Say you hurt your back or some other sob story. That one might be good for getting, at least, a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor, as well! Try not to use it too often. They might get suspicious.
Wash the Dishes
Duh, the dishwasher, of course. If something doesn't wash off, run it again and again. If that doesn't work, throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils, and plastic cups are a far better way to go; as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash.
